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2009 All-Underperformer team roster released by Major League Baseball.

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Aaaaaaaaand a swing and a miss.Rodriguez, Ordonez, Martin head list of former All-Stars turned flops.


Team will play against minor leaguers in attempt to “get better,” says Commissioner Selig.


ST. LOUIS — With the official release of the All-Star rosters, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig also released the All-Underperformers team yesterday, the lineup comprised solely of players who have plummeted from stardom to mediocrity.

The team will be helmed by Cleveland Indian’s manager Eric Wedge.

The Yankee’s Alex Rodriguez, the Dodger’s Russell Martin, and the Tiger’s Magglio Ordonez are first time selections to the team. The Ranger’s promising slugger Chris Davis also makes his first appearance, as well, after a powerful rookie campaign in 2008.

Martin, the perennial All-Star catcher who’s power seems to have vanished into thin air, will handle horrible pitches from Yankee’s hurler and All-Underperformer staff ace, Chien Ming Wang. The Red Sox’s Daisuke Matsuzaka is expected to come out of the bullpen for long relief duty along with schizophrenic Met’s pitcher Oliver Perez. If the Indian’s Fausto Carmona is not selected as part of the Minor League Baseball All-Underperformer team, he should make an appearance, pitching against the same players he’s been going against since his demotion to Siberia in May.

Sucked your way to a demotion.The first base bag will be covered by Texas’ power-hitting rookie Chris Davis. Despite blasting 15 homeruns, Davis was on pace to shatter strikeout records universe wide before he was demoted to Triple-A Oklahoma City yesterday.

Second base will be the deepest position on the All-Underperformer team, with the spot being occupied by pretty much anyone not named Chase Utley. Even though it’s unknown who will start the game, it’s expected that Florida’s Dan Uggla will receive most of the playing time. Oakland’s Orlando Cabrera, who was famously quoted as saying, “I suck. For real,” last week will also receive some opportunities.

Three time All-Star and former MVP Jimmy Rollins will be Philadelphia’s lone representative at the game as the All-Underperformer’s shortstop. Rollins is batting a putrid .217 and owns the worst on-base percentage among active shortstops despite being the Phillie’s leadoff man. After the selection was brought to his attention, Rollins was ecstatic, quoted as saying, “Wow! I know I predicted we’d win the World Series in 2008, but I could never predict an honor such as this!”

The hot corner will be patrolled by the Yankee’s Alex Rodriguez. It is his first inclusion on the All-Underperformer team after a streak of nine straight All-Star selections. It’s said that his hip is still ailing him and that his recovery from surgery threw off his cycles. Behind A-Rod will be Rockie’s liability Garrett Atkins.

I hate you.The outfield will be manned by the three-headed monster of the Tiger’s Ordonez, the Angel’s Vladimir Guerrero, and the Cub’s Milton Bradley. Upon learning that they were likely to be included on the team and the Dodger’s Manny Ramirez was not, Ordonez and Guerrero got haircuts, saying that their dream of being part of the “hairiest outfield in all of baseball” was shattered. The hair they chopped off outweighs the amount of combined home runs they’ve hit this season.

The exclusion of Ramirez from the team was a surprisingly development, but one that the fans had passionate responses towards. Comments ranged from, “Manny’s a piece of [expletive removed] who can’t hold my jock,” to “Once a juicer, always a juicer. Manny can stay at home and sell barbecues for all I care. He’s not even good enough to be named to this [expletive removed] team.”

The game takes place in between the old-timer’s softball game and the actual All-Star game on July 14.


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